Schema Therapy Online

Schemas are deeply ingrained emotional patterns that repeat throughout our lives sabotaging our attempts to reach our goals, dreams and live a fulfilling life. Identifying and reducing your schemas is the key to achieving lasting change.

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Love’s Executioner

The Abandonment Schema

We are all on a quest for happiness. Yet, given the rapidly increasing rates of depression and suicide, it would seem that happiness is somehow eluding us.

We tend to think the things that make us happy are; more money, a better body, status, an exotic holiday, a new car, a bigger house.

But if these things really did make us happy, then there would be no miserable millionaires or addicted celebrities. In fact, statistics show that the wealthier a nation is – the higher the rates of depression are.

So, what does make us happy?

Well, according to the longest study on human happiness

“… the only thing that really matters in life are your relationships to other people.”

The Grant Study, starting in 1938, followed the lives of  250 men for over 75 years to determine what factors predicted happiness and health over the life span.

Over and above everything else, money, fame, status etc, it was the QUALITY of their relationships that predicted whether the men would be healthy and happy.

And given what we know now from recent neuroscience research – this makes total sense.

Feeling seen, understood, accepted and that we belong is not just a wish for some of us – it's a biological necessity for us all.

When our emotional needs are not met, we are programmed to experience feelings that result from this – sadness, loneliness, shame and often, a deep sense of unworthiness.

Much as we probably don’t like to admit it – we do indeed need other people to feel happy.

So why is it so hard for some of us to find good quality relationships?

George Valiant –  Director of the Grant study, noted that the men who were unable to maintain healthy relationships – the ones also likely to succumb to addictions and mental health issues – had one thing in common. They had developed ‘defenses’ against love.

He had this to say:

“Happiness Is Love. Full Stop. But In Order To Permit Love To Make You Fulfilled, You Have To Be Able To Take It In, Which Means That You Have To Feel Inside That You Are Loved”.

One of the biggest obstacles to ‘taking in love’ is the Abandonment schema.

This is one of the earliest schemas to develop in life – sometimes as early as a few months old. Many people think it occurs when we are literally abandoned – when a parent leaves or dies. And while this can definitely be one of the causes – other causes are actually much more subtle.

One of the most common reasons the Abandonment schema develops is when our emotional needs are not met for a prolonged period of time. When we are ‘emotionally’ abandoned.

This can happen when we have care-givers who are addicted, sick, over-worked, stressed or emotionally unstable. Or even if we are hospitalised for a while.

The key factor in the development of abandonment is the unpredictability of the care-givers responses.

Sometimes they tend to our needs and other times they don’t. Sometimes they are warm and loving, and sometimes they are cold, distant or overtly hostile and abusive.

This lack of consistency plays havoc with our brains.  We are constantly in a state of stress. The amygdala – the brains danger scanner, is constantly on alert – looking for signs that the care-giver is going to switch off the love and attention - even when they ARE attentive. It becomes stuck at a higher baseline than average, a condition that can persist throughout life.

The video below shows just how distressed a child becomes when the mother is unresponsive.

If you experienced this kind of parenting, you are likely to have developed a pattern of ‘hyper-vigilance’ which has become deeply wired into the brain and is activated in close relationships.

You will have developed automatic thoughts and beliefs that people are not reliable, not to be trusted, that they could pull away and abandon you at anytime. You're probably very sensitive tothe slightest change in another person's moods and feelings, which causes a surge of anxiety and insecurity. 

When we get surges of intense stress and other emotions, our rational logical brain goes off line, leaving us at the mercy of our more reactive often irrational emotional brain.

If you have this schema, you might recognise yourself in some of the following signs;'

  • Hyper-sensitive to other people's feelings
  • Constant scanning for signs that your partner is losing interest or going to leave you
  • Obsessive thinking about your partner to the point that you can’t focus on anything else
  • Constant worrying that they might leave you get sick or die.
  • Pervasive feelings of anxiety, insecurity while in the relationship
  • A sense that you are ‘losing’ yourself
  • Clinging, possessive or controlling behavior
  • Needing constant reassurance
  • Difficulty with partners silence
  • Outbursts of anger and rage
  • Avoidance of close relationships altogether

As with all schemas, the abandonment schema is self-perpetuating.  It brings about the very thing that you fear; the loss of the relationship.

For other people, it can be very difficult to tolerate the intensity that the schema causes – the conflict, the monitoring, the control, the depth of the need, the outbursts. It can feel very suffocating to be on the receiving end of an abandonment schema and  eventually pushes people away.

Each time you enter a relationship, the schema gets stronger as it has more ‘evidence’ that people will leave. In the end, some people with this schema avoid relationships all together because they are just too painful.

The abandonment schema isn’t triggered in all relationships. It generally emerges when you are in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable or unpredictable

Unfortunately, if you have this schema, you will be biologically wired to be attracted to emotionally unstable or unavailable people. Their unpredictability or distance will activate the stress response – feeling like excitement when it is often in fact anxiety.

But the good news is, you CAN heal this schema. It takes time and effort but if it means you will live a healthier, happier life, it’s worth it.

If you resonate with information in this article - why not consider joining my free face book group 'Breaking the patterns from the past'. Or check out our online programme, which will be launching mid-may.

Stuck?

Get Unstuck With Schema Therapy

Sometimes in life we can find ourselves stuck.

We might be stuck in a relationship that isn’t fulfilling or stuck in a job we need but hate.

Some of us get stuck in cycles of self-destructive behavior, drinking too much, over-eating, or failing yet again to stick to a healthy routine that we know will change our lives for the better.

Others of us are stuck in thought loops inside our own heads: struggling with repetitive, anxious or depressive thoughts that keep us from engaging fully in our lives.

For many of us there might not be any obvious reason for feeling stuck, but still we feel it.

In my counselling practice, it’s very common to see clients who, on the outside are doing well ; good career, financial stability, family and friends; yet there is an underlying sense of emptiness and dissatisfaction with life - and they don't know why.

Despite all their success, they remain trapped at the edge of an emotional void - unable to enjoy a life that is ironically the envy of their peers.

If any of the above resonates with you - ,  and have tried countless things to change -

Identifying and working through your schemas could be THE KEY that unlocks the door to change.

Based on the decades of rigorous scientific research, Schema Therapy can identify specifically why you are stuck – what deeply ingrained patterns are keeping you from bridging the gap between where you are now to where you want to be.

We all get stuck for different reasons but the common factor is what's going on in your brain.

It's all about NEURO-PLASTICITY

Most of you will have heard about neuroplasticity – how the brain changes throughout our lives.

Who we are today, good and bad - is the sum total and combination of every neuro-plastic adaptation our brains have ever made, in response to the world we experience.

So let’s just take a moment and look at what neuroplasticity actually is and how it happens.

It can be helpful to compare it to what happens when we attempt to get in shape.

We know that if we stuff ourselves with junk food, sit on the sofa for hours and never exercise we will very likely become over-weight, unfit, lethargic and have weak, ineffective muscles.

But if we change our habits, eating healthily, exercising, and generally taking care of ourselves our bodies respond accordingly.


It’s the same with the brain. We need to be very aware of what we allow in.

Everything we repeatedly think, feel and do gets wired into the subconscious part of the brain in a kind of pattern loop. The more we repeat the pattern, the deeper it becomes ingrained and the more automatic it becomes.

So, for example, if you repeatedly think that you are useless, a loser, or defective in some way and feel crap because of those thoughts - they will start to become automatic and just churn out endlessly along with the attached feelings. What you usually do when you think and feel this way - say for example -eat, drink, isolate or zone out in front of the TV - this behaviour will also become wired into the automatic firing pattern.

This is what a schema actually is - a deeply embedded automatic pattern that pops up frequently in response to certain triggers and derails us on our path to change.

18 distinct schemas have been identified all with their own specific thought patterns, feelings and behaviours.  Once you've identified which ones are getting in the way of your goals, you can specifically target them with techniques that reduce them.

Our schemas got laid down in our brains way back in childhood - some because we grew up in harsh, abusive or neglectful environments, but some develop because we were over-indulged as children and our brains did not get the practice they needed to function as responsible adults.

Schemas can damage all areas of our lives

Some schemas directly sabotage relationships - such as ABANDONMENT schema or the MISTRUST & ABUSE schema. Other schemas are a result of underdeveloped parts of the brain that enable us to delay gratification and follow through on plans - eg the INSUFFICIENT LIMITS & CONTROL  schema.

One schema, EMOTIONAL INHIBITION develops from constantly having to suppress feelings in childhood and results in weak connections from the emotional brain to the conscious brain - meaning we don't really feel much of anything at all - a key factor leading to certain forms of depression.

So if you have tried many different ways of getting unstuck, the chances are, you never really got to the root of why you are stuck. 

If any of this resonates with you click here to get more detailed information about schemas or why not consider an individual assessment to identify the schemas that are sabotaging your dreams and goals.